Why, what did I do to deserve this. Was I not good enough, did I do something wrong, or could I have done something different? These are a few the questions I ask myself every day. I ask myself these question for one reason and one reason only. The loss of my father when I was 13.

I still don’t get it and I don’t think I ever will. How could he have done something so stupid and so selfish. Did he think of me and my siblings my mother and the rest of our family? Or did he have tunnel vision that couldn’t be stopped. These are all the things that have been going on in my head for the past 7 years.

I was always told day in and day out, there was nothing you could have done, there is no way you could have known, you are a great son, the list goes on and on. However, the one thing that everyone doesn’t understand is that I should have been there I should have done something, and I wasn’t there when he needed me the most. And there isn’t one person in this world that could tell me different and change my mind.

The clues were there I was just too “young” to notice these things. The day before my father took his life, he was dull and quiet. He never acted this way, but this day was different. I noticed the difference. I just didn’t think anything of it because no matter what my father was always there and was always the best father he could be. He never missed an event weather that be a wrestling match for me, a football game for my brother or a softball game for my sister.

Then I realized there was no reason for anything he did. He loved us and we loved him. He was just so mentally sick that he couldn’t live with himself anymore and his way out was suicide.